John Waters is an icon—a pencil-thin moustache, dark sunglasses, a transgressive catalog of films, and an overall dedication to filth. But, on his string of novelty singles on Sub Pop Records (“Jingle Bells” / “It’s a Punk Rock Christmas” and “John Waters Covers Little Cindy ‘Happy Birthday Jesus’” / “A Pig Latin Visit from St. Nicholas”), Waters has an outlet to transform into new characters and direct himself à la Cindy Sherman. On “Happy Birthday Jesus,” Waters morphs into a little Christian girl from the South speaking directly to Jesus on Christmas night. On his cover of the Singing Dogs’ “Jingle Bells,” he splits into a pack of barking dogs, scaring away unwanted carolers and guests who have overstayed their welcome. I caught up with the legendary filmmaker, actor, writer, and artist ahead of his annual Christmas tour to discuss his upcoming stop in Seattle, his own Christmas traditions, and why he doesn’t want your stupid fruitcake. Gather around the electric chair, children, because the man with the bag has landed! (The man is John Waters, and the bag is full of filthy jokes.)
You’ve been doing your annual Christmas tour for nearly 30 years. How have these shows evolved or changed since they began?
How many dirty, blasphemous crash scenes can a person think of? But yes, I think up new ones every year—it’s a challenge! I really pride myself on doing a new show every year. You can come every year, and it’s never the same show. Although the show has changed over the years, no matter how you feel about Christmas, the show is about how to get through it. I think it’s a self-help thing. People hate it. People love it. I talk about every possible way you can deal with Christmas and how you can transfer it into your everyday life, with sex, politics, fashion, and everything else.
I’ve read that your Christmas shows feature a generous Q&A. What’s the worst question that you’ve ever been asked at a Q&A?
That’s really the crazy part. I wish I’d get more bad questions! I’ve been doing it for so long. The worst questions are when people just stand up and start talking about themselves. Yeah, that’s the worst. Then the audience starts booing. I just say “EDIT! EDIT! EDIT!” No question will throw me. I’m wise enough not to answer if I don’t want to, and I know how to get around it and make a joke. I can think of odd funny ones, like a person said, “My dad told me he almost went home with you from a bar one night.” And one time, somebody said, “How do you feel about batteries? We just want to know how you feel about batteries.” That was a perplexing question. I guess at Christmas, children often choke on batteries from their toys. I talked about that. I can always bring it back to Christmas.
How do you decorate for Christmas?
Traditionally and very untraditionally. We decorate, but I don’t have a tree. I decorate Divine’s electric chair from Female Trouble. I have lots of Christmas decorations. Many of them have been made by fans, and they’re great—some have Divine or Edith on them. A fan made me a statue of Divine knocking over a Christmas tree. It has batteries, and all the lights blink and everything. That, I think, is my favorite one. I also have decorations that my mom made for me. I mix them as I do with my real life: I mix the good taste and turn it into bad taste, hopefully to get you to notice that everything can be pleasing.
In a recent interview, you mentioned that you used to take speed and steal Christmas gifts out of people’s cars and unwrap them. Do you remember or did you keep any of the gifts you stole?
We would throw them out the window! Or worse yet, if they had a gift slip, we would take them to the store and get the money! An old friend reminded me recently that she stole a blouse with someone’s mother’s monogram on it. She wore it to school the next day and covered it up with a sweater. It was really terrible. It just proves that there is no such thing as karma.
What’s the most memorable Christmas gift that you’ve ever received?
Well, I still go to sleep sometimes with a beautiful cashmere blanket that Divine gave me a long time ago. But don’t ever give cashmere! It just calls moths to your house. Cashmere is a moth Woodstock waiting to happen.
What holiday music gets you in the Christmas spirit?
It can get on my nerves. It has to get really near Christmas. It can’t be playing that stuff too early. But I certainly do like jazzy Christmas. This year, I have a record out, my second Christmas single, where I cover Little Cindy singing “Happy Birthday Jesus,” which was on my original Christmas compilation album. Last year, I released my cover of the Singing Dogs’ “Jingle Bells.”
Do you collect these types of novelty records?
Yes, and I love them, but no one makes them anymore. They should. I always say: Why was there no COVID-19 novelty record? There could be so many right now about what’s going on in the world. They could have “Antifa Christmas Carol” or “Proud Boys Santa.” I don’t know. I could just think of so many good novelty songs.
Why did you choose to cover the Singing Dogs’ “Jingle Bells” and not “Jingle Cats?” Are you more of a dog person?
I don’t like either. I want pets to escape from people. They are sentenced to a lifetime of caress. I always say: I’m not lonely, so I don’t have dogs and cats. It makes people crazy when I say that. I don’t have any desire to touch one. I think PETA is right, actually, even though I eat meat. I want them to escape the houses they live in. I want to say, “RUN, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!”
I felt like Cat Power covering Bob Dylan when I did the Singing Dogs, because it is the most obnoxious Christmas novelty song ever.
Is there anything you are looking forward to doing or seeing while you’re in Seattle?
I have 19 shows, so I don’t do anything except get to the airport, the hotel, go to sleep, rehearse, do the show, and then go to the next town. I would love to see Dina Martina, my great friend, but I just rarely get to do things like that. I learned a long time ago that there’s no time to do it when you have a show.
Last year, I tried to give people gift certificates to Hudson News, you know, the place they have at airports? But they don’t have gift certificates. They looked at me like I was insane when I asked, but where else can I go Christmas shopping?
I think you are on to something with the idea of airport gift cards!
Wouldn’t it be nice? But it’s so expensive. A $50 gift certificate for airport shops could buy one cup of coffee.
How do you feel about fruitcake?
Well, I tried to make a movie that was called Fruitcake—that has almost happened three times. It’s a children’s Christmas special. I hope I get to make it one day. I personally have never eaten a piece of fruitcake in my life. I don’t crave it… let’s put it that way.
Well, hopefully now that you’ve said that, people don’t bring a bunch of fruitcakes to the show!
I won’t eat anything a fan ever gives me. I did it once, and I was in the hospital for three days.
Oh my god! What did you eat?
I ate 14 doses of THC, not realizing it. They thought I had a stroke—I thought I had a stroke! It was a nightmare. Never eat food from fans!
Lastly, the B-side to your new single, “A Pig Latin Visit from St. Nicholas,” is sung entirely in Pig Latin. Can you translate “We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Year” to Pig Latin for me?
Eway ishway ouyay ayay errymay istmaschray andyay ayay appyhay ewnay earyay
Wow, thank you.
Ou’reyay elcomeway.
See John Waters at the Neptune Theatre on Dec 2, 8 pm
