Expensive Hendrix,
I assumed you died earlier than you have been born. If that sounds scary, it’s as a result of it was! However let me begin from the start.
Pregnant—so very pregnant—I fell asleep on the sofa whereas watching TV on the very un-punk-rock time of 9 p.m. Round midnight, I used to be immediately awoken by a blast of ache in my stomach. It was Tuesday, February 27, which was every week earlier than your due date. However impulsively, I used to be experiencing a ache like I might by no means felt earlier than. I assumed I may perhaps sleep by it, that it might finally—ARGGH—relax after some time and slowly—OUCH—fade out. After about two hours, I lastly accepted that these pains have been truly contractions, and I wanted to start out timing them.
At that time, they have been about 10 minutes aside—too far aside to go to the hospital. However progressively, they grew to become seven minutes after which 5 minutes aside. Nonetheless, too early, I instructed myself. Proper?! I bear in mind staring out on the moon from our lounge window and listening to U2’s “Drowning Man,” attempting to not spiral out of my thoughts since I used to be scared shitless of really giving beginning. OOH NOO, there it was once more! Now contractions have been 4 minutes aside! A really acceptable period of time to go to the hospital, truly! Nonetheless, I instructed myself to attend—I merely wasn’t prepared for what was to return.
As time handed, I attempted the numerous urged positions that will supposedly provide some reduction to my aching physique: squatting on my knees, bent over and reaching in the direction of my toes, you title it. However nothing was settling the ache. Then the contractions have been three minutes aside after which two minutes aside. That’s when it hit me. “Wait, I ought to in all probability get up my husband!” I went into the darkish bed room and shook him. He awoke, startled. “Uh, I believe it’s time,” I mentioned. “These contractions aren’t going away, and I’m… a pair minutes aside… oops.”
We tried calling a nurse as a result of I had a concern of being despatched dwelling if I arrived on the hospital too early (in hindsight, that was a foolish thought as a result of I used to be about to present beginning), however nobody answered the telephone, so we determined to name your uncle Cedric. As your dad dialed the telephone, I used the restroom, and that’s after I noticed it… a sea of pink in the bathroom bowl.
I screamed. “Oh no! No! No! Jake, there’s blood in the bathroom! I believe the newborn is useless!” I cried like I’ve by no means cried earlier than, wailing to the purpose of virtually hyperventilation. Your dad, the calm voice of purpose I would like in such moments, put my face in his arms and mentioned, “Eva, breathe. The newborn will not be useless, every little thing is ok. That is regular, every little thing goes to be high quality. I really like you, and also you’re doing nice.” (Your dad would discuss me off an identical ledge after you have been born after I virtually had a postpartum breakdown pondering I had unintentionally starved you. However that’s for a later time.)
The subsequent calls we made have been to your grandmother, your godmother Julia Massey (winner of the Kindest Individual of the Century Award), and our doula Molly Sides. (Sure, she’s additionally the frontwoman of Thunderpussy… how rock ‘n’ roll is that?) My loves Julia and Molly have been on this motherhood journey with me from once you have been only a tiny bundle of cells, Henny. They’re household.
Your uncle rapidly bought to the condo, and we hurried as quick as we may at 4 a.m. to reach on the hospital, the place they welcomed us to triage and checked how dilated I used to be. Now, at this level, I used to be in uncharted territory. This was the start of an expertise I wasn’t positive find out how to deal with. So, I handled it with humor… lots of humor. When the nurse got here in and needed to put her finger in my (let’s use my favourite guitar pedal and euphemism for vagina) wah-wah, every little thing was so delicate and painful that I squirmed away. This occurred for much too lengthy till one other physician got here in and simply fucking went for it. I squealed and yelled, “AHH WOW! Good for you, Doc!” She was a no-bullshitter, and I personally appreciated it. It turned out I used to be six centimeters dilated (at 10 centimeters, you’re able to push!).
Once I say I wanted humor to get by this, I’m not kidding. At one level, there have been a number of white individuals serving to me within the triage room (together with your dad and godmother), making me comfy, massaging my toes. I appeared round and belted out, “Wow, thanks, everybody! This virtually makes up for slavery! However not fairly.” The room full of a little bit of awkward laughter—simply how I prefer it. By that point, Molly and your grandmother had proven up, and I formally had everybody I wanted for our massive day! Your birthday.
Don’t let my tattoos idiot you, Henny. I’ve a reasonably robust concern of needles, and sadly for me, I wanted antibiotics throughout labor, which meant an IV. Apparently, my veins are too fucking small to see as a result of it took 5 completely different tries and three individuals to get the rattling factor in. It was terrible, and that wasn’t even the worst half. The contractions bought stronger and stronger to the purpose they have been insufferable. I attempted to go so long as I may to keep away from the Final Needle, the Needle of Dread, the Stuff Nightmares Are Made Of… the Epidural. “Ahhh! This shit is killing me! Doc,” I mentioned, “I believe I would like the epidural now… AHHH!” Then immediately, POP! “Uh, I believe my water simply broke, Doc.”
At this level, I burst into tears, not essentially from the ache, however as a result of I knew what was coming—that fucking needle! Should you’ve by no means seen an epidural needle, then Google it. The factor is roughly a mile lengthy. In actual fact, I had guidelines for the beginning, which included not seeing it, and the medical doctors and nurses weren’t allowed to even say the fucking phrase “needle.” (Each Julia and Molly made positive these guidelines have been identified.) I screamed and cried and screamed and cried. I used to be instructed they’d put a cooling something-or-other on my pores and skin, and that will numb the world a bit, however Henny, I felt that fucking factor not solely pierce by my again however by my backbone and out my fucking guts, it was so lengthy. I used to be speechless, I may solely scream. From that second on, I knew you have been going to be an solely baby.
As we awaited your arrival, we sat within the hospital room listening to Kraftwerk. Extremely, your workaholic father went out into the foyer and carried out an interview with former basketball gamers for an article, which was one thing he’d been trying ahead to for weeks, and naturally, it landed in your very first birthday. However I chatted about any and every little thing with my superior nurse and the gals within the room. My nurse talked about that there was one other nurse who discovered I used to be right here and was an enormous fan of my radio present on KEXP. She mentioned she was too nervous to return in and say hi there. I instantly mentioned, “Oh my god, inform her to return in right here! Are you kidding, that is superior!”
Finally, after one other dilation test, it was time to lastly push. So what number of licks does it take to get to the middle of a Tootsie Pop? The world could by no means know. Nevertheless, I do know the way many individuals it takes to assist me ship a child. The reply: Seven, together with my nurse and physician. Two individuals on all sides, every holding a limb and squeezing me like a strawberry Gusher; one individual looking at my wah-wah looking out on your head; one individual to depend slowly to 10 in between pushes; and a health care provider to ship you.
It took two hours to get you out—my goodness! The size of my radio present, Early, truly. The physician pulled you out in that closing minute after that closing push, and I felt like a large cork was simply yanked out of me as my abdomen sunk in, and a gulp of air adopted. You arrived at 4:04 p.m., some 12 hours after we arrived on the hospital, to the soundtrack of Kraftwerk. You didn’t cry at first as a result of there was a bit little bit of fluid in your lungs (which the medical doctors squared away not lengthy after). I may solely have you ever on my chest for a fast sec. “Hey, you little weirdo!” I mentioned. Yeah, sorry about that—it’s simply what got here out of me! I used to be in love then, simply as I’m now.
That was the toughest factor I’ve ever performed in my life. Would I do it once more to have you ever in my arms? Completely! Faster than a bumblebee heartbeat. Together with that rattling epidural. As a result of now that I’ve you, I can’t think about my life with out you. That’s life, Hendrix. Some actually lovely issues can come from some actually scary beginnings—like blood in a bathroom. And some days later, after we drove you dwelling, guess what track was on the radio after we bought into your uncle’s automotive. “Expensive Mama.” You may’t make this shit up!
Eva Walker is a author, a KEXP DJ, one-half of the rock duo the Black Tones, and mother to her child woman, Hendrix. She additionally co-wrote the ebook The Sound of Seattle: 101 Songs That Formed a Metropolis, which was launched in 2024. Each month for The Stranger she writes a letter to Hendrix to share knowledge discovered from her experiences—and her errors.
