Dangerous information, Kimheads! Regardless of being glorious TV, Kim Buike, our retired destroyer captain from Mountlake Terrace, didn’t survive this episode of The Golden Bachelorette. However he’ll reside on in our hearts ceaselessly—and in “Mansion Males,” the bespoke music he strong-armed ER physician Man into performing with him in entrance of Joan Vassos this week. What Captain Kim lacked in chemistry with Joan, he made up for in committing to the bit, and I will be reaching out to him for remark subsequent week.
Within the meantime, collect spherical, salty canine!
It’s week three, and the boys are struggling to remain awake as they attempt to sustain with the present’s nocturnal filming schedule, the loud night breathing of Gregg (ought to Gregg do a sleep examine?), and noise attributable to males of their sixties having to stand up to go to the toilet all through the evening. “It’s chaos!” says Charles L.
Within the kitchen, Jonathan complains that a few of the guys are “gazers and grazers” who aren’t pulling their weight within the communal kitchen however ARE consuming all of the meals. Sadly, as a gazer and grazer myself, I can relate, however I’m as soon as once more appalled at Pascal’s lack of ability to maintain his fundamental wants. “I don’t prefer to prepare dinner, I don’t like to scrub,” he says nonchalantly, as soon as once more reminding us that he additionally doesn’t wash his personal garments, as a result of he’s paying Gregg $100 a load to do it. Mark has additionally made Pascal avocado toast, and I would like Gregg and Mark to cease enabling this man. Educate a person to fish!
For some purpose, Pascal will get the primary one-on-one. “I’m honored, I’m flattered,” he says. Joan drives a crimson convertible previous a canyon to the mansion to select him up, in a gown that appears like if Hill Home had a mother-of-the-bride assortment, and says she must see what’s in Pascal’s coronary heart. What’s in Pascal’s coronary heart is that he needs to drive, however Joan says no. Good for Joan!
In the meantime, again on the mansion, Chock is spiraling on the thought of Joan being on a date with Pascal, an grownup man who can’t do his personal laundry. “The man’s bought lots to supply,” Chock says bitterly. Has he met Pascal?

Because the diva of the group, Pascal will get the notorious Fairly Lady Date: It’s custom to ship one contestant on an opulent buying spree to make the opposite ones jealous, and Joan and Pascal’s begins at what I’m assuming is Hollywood Burbank Airport, the place they take a personal jet to Las Vegas. Pascal acts shocked, though non-public jets, helicopters, and going through your concern of heights as typically as potential are the Bachelor Franchise’s favourite issues (second solely to emotionally manipulative fireworks).
Time for some Bristol Myers Squibb commercials!
At their Fairly Lady date, Joan and Pascal attempt on garish sequined outfits and upsetting wigs whereas a Nordstrom piano participant performs within the background. “I really feel like I’m in Fairly Lady,” says Pascal. “I’m Julia Roberts!”
Joan doesn’t say she’s Richard Gere, however she’s having fun with “a variety of hand-holding and dancing and secret kisses,” a wild factor to say whenever you’re on actuality TV and legally haven’t any proper to privateness. She and Pascal gaze out the window at… nondescript buildings on the strip, as a result of the present should’ve spent the emotionally manipulative fireworks cash on one other bizarre shock nonetheless to come back!
In the meantime, again in LA, one thing I care about far more is going on: Charles L. and Gary are on a pharmacy area journey seeking earplugs and melatonin to allow them to remedy the sleeping downside as soon as and for all. (Ought to’ve listened to Captain Kim the primary time!) I’d actually watch two hours of this benevolent buying journey, nevertheless it isn’t meant to be, as a result of again in Vegas, it’s time for a cameo from Wayne Newton (who?) and his extraordinarily white veneers (they’re SO shiny!).
Wayne Newton is “Mr. Las Vegas,” says Joan helpfully, and a cursory Google search tells me he’s additionally a breeder of Arabian horses who as soon as mentioned, “My two loves in life, from the time I can keep in mind, have been music and horses, and I could not determine which I beloved extra.” Okay, positive!
Captain Kim’s absence thus far makes me concern for his survival, however we will’t dwell on that now, as a result of it’s time for a genuinely emotional trade between Charles L. and Man. As a result of Man is a health care provider, Charles trusts him with a query that’s lengthy troubled him: Why did his spouse have blood in her mouth proper earlier than she died from a mind aneurysm? This present typically has jarring tonal shifts and juxtapositions—males speaking about their biggest traumas after which doing a bunch of pushups for enjoyable, girls weeping abjectly whereas coated in physique glitter—however that is possibly essentially the most excessive flip I’ve ever witnessed?
Man explains patiently that when folks fall down, they typically chew their tongues. That’s all it was—nothing extra horrific than what was already occurring. Charles is comforted, however needs to know why he feels so fixated on his spouse’s demise. “You’re nonetheless grieving,” says Man, and Charles appears soothed. “I’m hopeful to search out love by way of this journey,” he says afterward, however Charles, I believe you have already got!
A date card has arrived, and Chock, Gil, Dan, Charles L., Charles Okay., Gregg, Gary, Man, Kim, Jordan, Mark, and Keith are all occurring the group date, and Jonathan may be very upset that he has to go on a date with Joan and nobody else, so I suppose he’s by no means watched this present.
As Pascal accepts his rose in French on a large ferris wheel (are you able to inform I don’t care about this date in any respect; je m’en fous!), the boys go to the soccer area at Ventura School. It’s time for SPORTS. Whereas this present typically forces younger girls to play violent deal with soccer as a enjoyable spectacle, the boys get to play kickball as an alternative, and actually, good for them, as a result of I used to be nervous they may really die.

It’s, the truth is, the Golden Bachelorette Quaker Oats Kickbowl (!!!) and Jesse Palmer and Joan are calling the sport over bowls of oatmeal they don’t eat. Jesse’s eyes mild up, as a result of he used to play skilled soccer, and you may inform that there’s just a little man inside his mind just like the tiny humanoid alien in Males in Black, solely it’s John Michael Higgins’ character in Finest in Present.
A number of the males are taking the sport extraordinarily critically, and get the accidents to show it. “So many individuals bought damage at present,” says Charles Okay. Charles L. eats the product-placement oatmeal. Mark retains stopping mid-game to hug the fellows on the opposite staff. Everybody finally ends up “bodily banged up,” together with Kim, who has a large bruise on his leg. On the after-party for the successful staff, Joan asks Kim if his leg hurts, and he says brightly “No, really, the shoulder hurts worse!”
Joan is afraid of horses—she was as soon as bitten by one—and she or he should’ve informed manufacturing this as a result of it’s time for her one-on-one with Jonathan and guess what? It’s horseback driving! Jonathan by no means wears a totally buttoned shirt and tells Joan his ex-wife divorced him for no purpose, which I’d personally think about crimson flags, however Joan doesn’t. She tells him he’s sufficient.

However on the cocktail celebration earlier than the rose ceremony, Joan doesn’t really feel like sufficient! She says she has to share one thing delicate with the boys: She’s lacking her household, and part of her will at all times love her husband! This looks as if very regular-degular entry-level data, however Joan is clearly anxious and self-conscious, though she’s been getting trauma-dumped on by everybody else all week, and self-disclosure is the best way this present convinces folks they’re in love with a relative stranger when actually they’re simply having a bizarre time of their life.
Simply as Joan is completed together with her sharing, Gerry (pronounced like Gary), the lead of The Golden Bachelor, arrives to lighten the temper! And thank god, as a result of though I don’t wish to know a factor about Gerry’s private politics, he has a heat presence and tells Joan she must cease placing a lot stress on herself.
Joan feels higher after speaking to Gerry, however will get weepy and harassed about having to eradicate folks, which is simply too unhealthy for her personally but additionally how the present works. The lead-in to the rose ceremony is deeply chaotic. To begin with, when these males get collectively of their fits, they appear like they’re at a board assembly. Mark attire up as a shark for causes which are by no means defined. And Kim and Man sing the music Kim wrote about being “Mansion Males”: “We’re the mansion males, we’re right here to win the guts of Joan!”
Kim wished everybody to take part on this charming little recital, however solely Man was up for it. Joan applauds them, nevertheless it isn’t sufficient to avoid wasting Kim from elimination. On the rose ceremony, Man, Dan, Gary, Jordan, Chock, Charles L., Keith, and Mark get to remain one other week, however Charles Okay., Gregg, and Captain Kim should go residence.
“I wish to be your buddy,” says Kim to Joan as he gallantly takes his depart. The boys salute him on his method out, and in Kim’s exit interview, Man interrupts for a “Mansion Males” reprise. “Are you allowed to be out right here?” asks Kim. In all probability not, however friendship is at all times the actual love story on this present!
With Gregg and his loud night breathing out of the image, the boys have a extra restful week forward of them. However who will do Pascal’s laundry?
Did Captain Kim survive this episode? No.
This week’s ranking, out of 10 anchor emojis: ⚓⚓⚓⚓⚓