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by Anonymous
Between the Torrent and Heated Rivalry, Seattle hockey fans are starting to see a heap of new faces at local games. I love to see it! Hockey is the best! Welcome! But I have two requests: 1) Please stay in your seat when the puck is in play, and 2) please stop asking the players to kiss.
I’m not mad. There’s no way you’d know if you’ve never been to a hockey game. But in hockey, it’s customary to wait until the whistle blows before getting up or returning to your seat. Usually, there is an usher at the top of each row to remind fans to wait, but because Climate Pledge doesn’t seem to staff the Torrent games as heavily as they do the Kraken games (AND WHY NOT???), there are not enough staffers to teach newbies the rules. So we have to hold ourselves accountable.
I say this with love. The puck is hard, frozen, and fast. It does occasionally end up flying into the stands, and if you’re the jack-ass blocking the view, you might get hurt or cause someone else to get hurt. So once you get your beer or garlic fries or Piroshky Piroshky (yes, they have Piroshky Piroshky at the games!), wait at the top of the stairs until the game is stopped. Please. Thank you.
As for the kissing thing, I get it. Heated Rivalry is pretty good (needs more hockey, but whatever), and it’s great that it appears to have helped grow both the game and the communities within the sport for LGBTQ players and fans. But the players we're watching? They're professionals. They're adults. And yes, in the PWHL, some of them are married! And there are likely gay players in the NHL, too! But they will kiss if they want to kiss. Not because you discovered your hockey kink. (Those lil’ shorty hockey pants with no shirt is a hot look, right?)
Do you need to get something off your chest? Submit an I, Anonymous and we'll illustrate it! Send your unsigned rant, love letter, confession, or accusation to ianonymous@thestranger.com. Please remember to change the names of the innocent and the guilty.

